What The Flip!!??

If there's one thing I can't stand it's profanity.

My concern isn't that I find foul words offensive, or that I'm worried about your eternal soul because God says you shouldn't swear. (Although I do and HE does.) My problem is that most people just don't do it right.

I think people have gotten too lazy to swear properly. It seems that all of the cuts to the defense budget have left this country with a deficiency of sailors to teach people the correct usage of colorful words.

Here's an example: OMG.

When an expression becomes so repetitious that it has its own acronym, hasn't it really lost all of the expletive impact?

(And don't even get me started on acronyms, for heaven's sake. How many times per day do you think people really roll on the floor laughing off parts of their anatomy? Of course, even acronyms would be good if they were just more interesting. Like this one: TWSFIAHASASMOT. I just invented it and I think it's going to be very popular. It will save people a lot of time since they won't have to actually type out, "That was so funny I almost had a seizure and swallowed my own tongue.")

This lack of creativity has watered down the effectiveness of swearing. OMG might just as well be "wow". We need to pump some new vitality into our four-letter vocabulary. Don't worry, I've got a few tips.

First, according to George Carlin, there are SEVEN words you can't say on television. If you're just using one word over and over again people are going to get tired of you. Mix it up a little. Make it a goal to use all seven in the same sentence, or at least in the same conversation.

Second, personalize things. Don't be afraid to include your family and friends, or even famous people from history. If you're going to offend someone, you need to get their attention.
Example: "My car is a pile of S***" or "My car is a pile of Henry Ford S***"

Third, keep it relevant. You can't use the same swear when you run out of breakfast cereal that you use when someone cuts you off in traffic. Develop a scale and try to match the level of offensiveness to the occasion.

Also, if there are two things that I can't stand, the first one would still be profanity and the second one would be FAKE profanity.

Flip, Freak, Fudge, French, Dang, Darn, Heck, Shoot.

Just give it up, you sound like an idiot AND it's not any more creative than the people doing the real swearing.

(Except for the thing I read one time about this guy that was dating a Chinese exchange student. Just as their intimate relationship was reaching the height of intimacy she would yell, "Me liking it! Me liking it!" And he would start laughing so hard he couldn't finish. I don't know what advice I would give to him.)